


Balancing the Books

by UselessLilium (o0whitelily0o)



Series: Hunger Games AU [4]
Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Gen, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-07-23 14:52:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16161122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0whitelily0o/pseuds/UselessLilium
Summary: After the arena’s fallen, those fortunate enough to make it to District 13 find they don’t have much room to avoid each other.





	1. Part 1 - Kazuma

The first time you wake up after the arena, you need a few seconds to realize that the ceiling isn’t one you recognize. Your mind groggily rolls through your home, the Capitol room you had as a tribute, and even briefly your other room in the Capitol from long ago. It’s when you realize it’s completely unrecognizable that you lurch into panic, only kept in the bed by the fact that your deeply exhausted body will barely listen to you.

“Ah, hey, calm down!” Your eyes dart towards the voice, and a girl with green hair rushes over to the side of the bed, pushing you back down sternly. “It’s alright, you’re safe now. Your friends too.”

You don’t move, because you know better than to disobey a clear direction, but your heart hasn’t settled down and your whole body is tense. Carefully, you take another look at her face and clothes. It is true that she doesn’t look like she’s from the Capitol - none of that flashy makeup or fancy clothes. Just a plain gray shirt and pants. Her accent isn’t the same either. Slowly, your mind starts filling in the gaps, and you begin to remember more clearly the barrier around the arena falling. The frenzy of ships and people and getting swept up onboard one. You let out a slow breath, and sound steady enough when you ask, “Where am I?”

“District Thirteen,” she says, and you can’t even find the energy for disbelief. Sure, okay, the district that was supposed to have been wiped off the face of the earth still exists and saved you from almost certain death personally. Why not. The girl sighs, resting her clipboard against her hip, looking back out towards the hall. “We wanted to get all the tributes, but there wasn’t enough time. We just barely managed to grab you four and get back out.”

You give a quick (well, quick for your still half-asleep state) look around the room, but there’s only your own bed, and turn back to her with an eyebrow raised.

“They’ve got their own rooms,” she explains, “The president thought it would be best to get you all as much one-on-one care as possible. Especially considering the state the boy from Three and girl from Four were in.” She whistles under her breath. “They’re stable now, but... they really went all-out in that fight, huh?”

Well, no shit. Did they think you were just pretending your lives were on the line in there? Or that Luard was making up his revenge scheme just for show? But you don’t want to antagonize her when she’s the one with all the information about your allies, so you just ask, “What about Kumi? How is she?”

“She’s banged up, sure, but the worst is just malnourishment. I bet she’ll be up and about by tomorrow.” The girl smiles. “I had a feeling she was a tough one.”

“Yeah,” you say, managing a little half-smile. Tougher than you, that’s for sure. You doubt you’d have made it as long as you did without her determination pushing the two of you on.

“I’m Tokoha Anjou, by the way,” the girl says, “I’m gonna be helping you guys adjust to living here once you’re out, so if you’ve got any questions, you can come right to me!”

She beams at you, and you feel like you should be more grateful than you are. Or at least be offering responses with slightly more effort behind them. But your situation has only barely begun to sink in. All you can manage is, “Thanks,” and hope it sounds sincere enough.

“Of course!” She says, nodding before looking down at her wrist. “Okay, I’ve gotta finish checking in on the others. If you need me, you can ask the doctors or nurses to give me a ring. Otherwise, you just sit tight and get some rest, and the president will be by to see how you’re doing later.”

You blink, instinctively tensing just from hearing that title. “The president?”

“Yeah, President Myoujin. He wanted to be here when you woke up, but I guess something came up with the other newcomers, so he’s still trying to sort it out.” Her demeanor doesn’t betray a mote of worry over this apparent problem, though. She just continues on with the same confidence, “It’s okay, your mentors made it here safe too, I know that much. And we would never throw out anyone coming to us in need.”

Hearing that feels like finally letting out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding. Shindou and Ibuki were here too... good. If they’d gotten in trouble with the Capitol just ‘cause you were broken out of the arena, you don’t know how you could’ve handled that.

...Although, that still leaves the issue of your family. You can’t muster up much concern for your so-called dad, but... your mom definitely doesn’t deserve to get hurt over this. And... and then there’s Kazumi...

“Sorry, I really do have to go,” she says, checking her wrist again, “I’ve gotta finish checking up on everyone before I report back to my brother. But like I said, the president will be by to talk soon, and you can call me if you really need something.”

You nod, your chest tightening for a moment at the word ‘brother’, and she gives you one more smile and a wave before hurrying out of the room. Once she’s gone, you ease back into your pillow as deep as you can, and press the back of your hand against your eyes. You never said anything about Kazumi to anyone, not even your mentors, and you never tried to contact him. There’s no reason why he’d be targeted for punishment if no one even knows there’s a relationship between you two, right?

But then... you’re not stupid. Of course you’ve wondered if you were Reaped precisely because of who your father is, or maybe it was even something he put into motion. Because you’re a dangling loose end that has the audacity to keep walking around like you’re supposed to exist.

If that was the goal, it backfired horribly when you were sprung from the arena. If that man had anything to do with why you were in there, even if nothing happens publically, you don’t think he’ll get clean away with it. In that case, even Kazumi might wind up collateral damage...

...You can’t think about this. You can’t do anything about it now, there’s no point. Besides, maybe your Reaping didn’t have anything to do with him. Maybe you just got thrown into that arena because your luck is shit, and has always been shit. Kazumi’s probably still in his fancy apartment, minding his own business, and not even thinking about you. Your mom’s the only one you have to worry about.

So, with no other choice, you wait in bed, and try to wake yourself up more fully before the president comes by for his visit. There isn’t a clock in your room, so you can’t tell for sure how long it takes for him to show up. Long enough for a doctor to come in a few times and give you something to eat, though. She gives you a full rundown on what’s wrong with you, too - the most pressing injuries, you got from acting as a distraction luring the girl from 4 away from her allies. Before Luard hauled her off you, she broke your left wrist and gave you a nasty gash on your forehead that needed stitches. But you know you’re lucky. You have no clue how, but somehow you managed to get a couple of surprisingly dedicated sponsors, and thanks to them you were able to keep yourself in relatively decent condition up until the end.

Luard’s who you’re most worried about, if you’re honest. When he got that girl off of you, he’d ignored everything you three had planned about trapping her carefully and finishing her off quick, and launched into a one-on-one brawl too messy and brutal to keep track of who was winning. Hell, even when had tried to get involved and help him, he’d actually shoved you back out of it. Asshole. You’re gonna yell at him for that next time you see him.

You’re in the middle of planning this future lecture - and wishing you’d asked the doctor where, exactly, the other rooms are so you could try to see them - when an unfamiliar man with extremely long dark hair walks in.

“Kazuma Shouji,” he says, smiling and offering a hand to you, “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person. I’m Ryuzu Myoujin, the leader of District Thirteen.”

You hesitate a moment, but then take the hand and shake it. No point starting off on a bad foot with this guy. “Same here, I guess. Thanks for the rescue.”

“Of course. I’m relieved we were able to make it to you in time.” He pulls a chair up next to your bed and takes a seat. “Miss Tokoha has already come in to speak with you, I trust?”

“Yeah, she said you got four of us out. And our mentors too?” You check the door again, just in case maybe they were following him. Nothing. “Where are they, exactly?” 

“We were able to successfully extricate those who were involved in the resistance, yes. Chrono Shindou and Kouji Ibuki are both getting settled right now. We have a lot to discuss and prepare them for, but I’m sure they’ll be able to stop by in the next few days.” His expression softens a little, when he asks, “Are they the only ones you’re worried about?”

He must already know what you’re worrying about, if he’s looking at you like that. You drop your eyes, fiddle with your bedsheet a little with your right hand. “My... my mom. What’s going to happen to her? Are they gonna go after her, or-?”

“Never fear, I’ve thought of that as well. The resistance has members all over Panem, fortunately, so we were able to make plans with those in District Five who we believed likely to be affected by this. If all goes well, another rescue group will be arriving with her in a few days.”

Despite your attempts at looking in control, that gets a sigh of relief out of you. If they managed to get you out of somewhere as guarded as the arena, you have to believe getting your mom out of 5 will be easier. “Okay. Okay, good. Thank you, seriously.” 

Guess you should start thinking about what you’re gonna actually say to her, when you see her. You could... kind of tell, even when she was saying goodbye, that she didn’t expect you to come back. ‘ _ There’s no point expecting anything from that place. From those people, _ ’ she told you, her face as hard and tight as her grip on your arms. You wonder what she thought of those gifts from the sponsors that kept coming.

“No need for thanks,” Myoujin says, and you shift your focus back to him, “It’s only natural we’d try to protect as many as we can.” He smiles at you again for a moment, before leaning forward and looking at you more seriously. “In that vein, Kazuma, there is something very important I’d like to talk to you about.”

Of course there’s a catch. “...What is it?”

“I - no, all of us - would appreciate it very much if you would work with us. Help us overthrow the Capitol’s tyranny and free all of Panem.”

Your immediate reaction is just... exhaustion. You just got out of a hopeless fight, and he wants you to throw yourself back into another one? You remind yourself that the only reason you got out of that one is because of him. That he’s why Kumi and Luard are still alive too. So you ask, “You mean like a soldier?”

He laughs a little, and you feel stupid for asking. “Not quite. Let me be upfront, Kazuma; I already know about your unusual heritage. I acquired that information some time ago.” You blink, and this makes you stiffen far more than the request for help. “Apparently, there had been several people in the government who were aware of your father’s... exploits. Most had been willing to look the other way, but when the rumor spread far enough,” he spread out his hands towards you, “You wound up in the arena.”

You’d thought it was something like that. You determindely ignore the fluttery panic to ask about Kazumi (it’s too late now, you can’t do anything, you can’t even think about him being hurt over this or you’ll lose it in front of this stranger and you absolutely refuse to do that), and just stay on subject. “What does this actually have to do with helping you?”

“We already have soldiers, Kazuma. All over the country are people willing to fight for their homes and communities. As such, what we really need is a symbol of solidarity - something for all these disparate groups to rally around and inspire them to fight for each other, not just themselves. And to show the Capitol citizens that they truly are not so different from the rest of us.” He says this all so smoothly, you half-wonder how much of this pitch he rehearsed ahead of time. “That’s why President Gyze wanted you gone, after all. The idea that a family could be built between a citizen of the Capitol and one from the districts would be a devastating scandal. I truly believe it would work well to our advantage. And you’re already considered rather heroic in your own right, for how you looked after Miss Okazaki in the arena. It wouldn’t take much to build upon that.”

What he’s saying sort of makes sense, as long as you ignore absolutely everything about what your parents’ relationship was actually like. The idea of pretending  _ that _ was some kind of special bond that transcended class and birthplace makes you want to be sick. Even when you were too little to understand completely, you were still always aware on some level how desperate your mother was to not go back to the districts. How precarious your situation was. You have no idea how you could romanticize that with a straight face, even if you wanted to.

When you don’t say anything for a few seconds, Myoujin says, “Naturally, I don’t expect an answer right now. I’m sure you need to think about something of this magnitude carefully.” He starts to stand, saying, “Please, take your time to rest and consider my offer.” Just as he’s heading out the door, though, he pauses and looks back. “Do think seriously about it, though. This is something only you can do for us. There’s no one else.” And before you could even open your mouth to respond, he’s gone.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day, you do your best to stay put and rest and think. Partly because you were told to, but mostly because you really are too worn out to even want to move. 

On the second day, Kumi came by to see you, which was nice. She has a talent for staying bubbly under any kind of circumstances, chatting as soon as she gets through the door about how amazing the rescue was, and how nice the people here are. Especially Tokoha. Apparently they talked a lot when she first woke up, and you wonder if maybe that’s why she only had a couple of minutes to spare for you. You don’t mind much if it is, though, when Kumi seems so happy and relieved about getting along with her.

You don’t tell her about Myoujin’s offer, though you do consider it. But you’re not... really friends, are you? You were allies in the arena, but that doesn’t necessarily translate outside of it. And if you tell her about Myoujin’s plan, you’d have to tell her about your dad and childhood and... a lot of things that you just aren’t ready to tell anyone yet.

If you decide to go ahead with this, you know, you’ll have no choice but to make all of that public knowledge. Even if only a distorted version. You wish your mom would hurry up and get here. You really need to talk to her about this before you decide anything - it’s her story too. If she doesn’t want you to spread it, then you won’t, and that’s that. If she doesn’t mind... you don’t know. But it’d be one less reason not to.

By the third day, you can’t stand lying around your room any longer. You haven’t had the chance to spend this much time doing nothing since... well, since you lived in the Capitol the first time. You didn’t like it then, and you don’t like it now either. So you manage to convince your nurse that it’s your wrist that’s hurt, not your legs, so you ought to be allowed to walk around a little. Then you ask her where Luard is staying. She escorts you there.

Luard  _ is _ still firmly bedridden, it turns out, though not entirely by choice. When he first arrived, she tells you, he fought against them over every little thing. Even restrained, he yelled and tried to break free and get to the girl from District 4. “We’re going to try bringing him up from his sedation later today,” his nurse tells you, looking at him with a concern you actually find kinda touching, “Hopefully he’ll be willing to listen to us and stay calm this time. If he keeps struggling that much every time he wakes up, he’s just going to hurt himself even more.”

You walk over to his bed, sit in the chair next to it. He’s heavily bandaged, and attached to a bunch of machines, but he’s breathing alright and if what they’ve said about his attitude is true, he’s still got plenty of energy in him. But you still feel uneasy, seeing him sleep this deeply. Back in the arena, he muttered a lot in his sleep, and kept twitching and scratching at the ground. This quiet and stillness isn’t like him. You have a weird impulse to... you don’t know. Hold his hand, maybe. But you don’t know if he’d actually like that.

If Kumi’s an ally and not a friend, then the same goes for him. If anything, he’s even less of a friend than her. You didn’t plan to work with him at first, it all happened by chance. But the two of them are probably the closest you’ve had to any in a long time. And there are things about him you understand deeply, even in the short time you’ve known him - his feelings for his brother, his anger at the world, the hopeless desperation driving him to at least hurt someone in reach. That counts for something, doesn’t it?

“Hey,” you say, softly, “Don’t be an idiot, okay? You can’t fight anyone if you bleed out first.” He doesn’t wake up, or make any sign he heard you. You wait a few more seconds, then sigh and stand up. Looking back at the nurse, you say, “Can you let me know when you’re gonna wake him up? Maybe he won’t panic as much if there’s someone here he recognizes.” 

She smiles at you, then. “Of course. I’m sure it’ll be a relief to see you.”

Well, you don’t know if you’d go that far. But you do think he’ll at least trust you more than complete strangers. You consider for a moment, and then ask, “Do you know where the girl from Four is?”

“Matsuba Kobayashi, you mean?” As much as she was seeming to warm to you, the idea of you going to visit someone your group was set on taking out still gives her pause. “Why do you want to know that?”

“Just to see how she’s doing,” you shrug, “I mean, I’ve already seen the others.” When she just looks at you carefully without answering, you sigh and admit, “And I kinda... want to at least see her once outside the arena before we’re all out of here. Just so the first time won’t be a surprise.”

That, she seems to understand, and nods before saying, “She’s staying at the other end of the wing. We thought that would be safest, considering. Would you like me to show you?”

“No, that’s fine. I can manage on my own,” you say, and feel relieved when she actually lets you, staying behind to check on the monitors Luard’s hooked up to more closely. 

It turns out surprising to see Matsuba again after all. Not because of her, but because there’s someone else in the room with her. An older guy, it looks like, tall and with long lavender hair in a braid. One of her mentors, you guess? You didn’t pay as much attention to the past winners as you probably should have. They all kind of blurred together. But it must be, he looks worn out with relief, and she’s grabbing onto his forearm like it’s the only thing holding her together. Not something you should be intruding on. It already feels like you’ve seen something too private.

Though it does remind you that you still haven’t seen Shindou or Ibuki yet. Maybe they headed to your room while you were out? You think about turning around and going back to try waiting for them, but... if you do, you worry you’ll get cooped up in your room again. Even thinking about it makes you anxious and restless. You want to keep moving around as long as you can get away with it. Besides... technically, no one ever said you  _ couldn’t  _ leave the hospital wing.

Stepping out into the rest of District 13, you manage to get yourself lost pretty quick. All the doors and halls look the same, and you don’t even know what you’re looking for. At least no one seems too upset about you walking around - a few seem to recognize you, but mostly everyone minds their own business. And when you finally cave and ask someone if they know where the ‘newcomers’ are staying, they answer you briskly and move along. It sounds like they’re staying in the same area for now, with plans to relocate later once jobs and groups are finalized. That’s a relief. You just hope your mentors haven’t decided to take a walk too.

Though... even walking through the halls like this, you can’t fully shake the sense of claustrophobia. There’s no windows, and the walls are all the same heavy overbearing gray. You can almost feel their weight just walking past them. Does anyone actually get to go outside? You hope so, or you’re gonna lose it sooner or later.

When a door opens up down the hall, you first start to hurry towards it, to see if it's one of your mentors. And for a second, when you see the light hair, you start to think you found Ibuki after all. 

Then you get closer. Notice the gold eyes, and the loose ponytail, and realize it can’t be Ibuki. But it... it still can’t be who you’re thinking of now, right? This guy’s eyes aren’t quite the color you remember, and his ears are a weird shape, and in any case, there’s absolutely no way Kazumi could be here, it’s just one hundred percent impossible.

And then he notices you, whoever he is, this person who’s so close to being familiar you want to cry. And his eyes widen. And he says in a small voice, “Kazuma...?”

You’re still trying to tell yourself you’re mistaken. This person can’t be your brother. He wouldn’t be here. He couldn’t be. But then he takes a hesitant step towards you, and before you can decide whether to move closer to him or further away, he’s suddenly closed the distance and has his arms around you and he sobs your name out again, and again. It’s too sudden. You can’t think straight, and he caught your injured wrist between you and it hurts, and you’re overwhelmed by a memory just a few days old of someone else’s weight pressing on you, hurting you and making it hard to breathe, and you can’t breathe now either, and you  _ need  _ to get out from under it-

A distant part of you is surprised how easy it is to push him away, even with just one hand. He feels loose, somehow. When you get another look at him, you realize he’s crying. You’ve never seen your brother cry, not even once. Maybe it really isn’t him, just-just some kind of imposter. Then he backs further away himself, holding his hands up in a helpless gesture. “Sorry,” he says, “I didn’t... I didn’t mean to do that. I wasn’t thinking.” He notices his own tears then, and quickly covers his eyes, trying to wipe them dry.

But it’s just one more thing on top of a mountain of things you’re struggling to comprehend right now. It’s just... it’s too much, all at once. Your instincts haven’t calmed down, and you realize you’re still breathing heavily. You struggle to steady it, to get a grip on yourself, but all you can manage to say is, “You’re... really Kazumi?”

Slowly, he pulls his hands away from his face, then nods, looking down like... like he feels guilty. “Yes. I’m sorry, I- I meant to let Chrono tell you. When you were feeling better. I didn’t... mean to surprise you like this.” He laughs, a strangely self-conscious sound. “It’s upsetting, right? Running into me without any warning...”

How are you supposed to answer that? You have no idea how you feel, because you have no idea why this is even happening. “What’s going on?” you ask, because it’s the only thing you can do, “What are you doing here?”

He looks are you, and there’s something limp and helpless about the way he does so. “I’m sorry,” he says, again, “I knew... you wouldn’t want anything to do with me, but... I couldn’t just watch. I could never... just watch you go in there.”

His vague statements only agitate you more. “Then- then you mean you were sending me things in there? That was you, the whole time?” You sound angry, but at least it makes you feel steadier. You know how to be angry, it’s familiar.

He winces, and repeats himself  _ again _ with another, “I’m sorry,” and backing towards the door he just came through. “I’ll be careful, you don’t have to worry. I won’t bother you again.” And then he opens it and hurries back inside.

You can’t take it. You snap. “I don’t want you to apologize, or try to hide from me,” you yell, following him into the room just as the door’s closing, “I want an actual explanation! How could-” your voice cracks, and you hate it for that betrayal “-how could you leave me in there, not knowing if you were even thinking about me or not?”

Finally, he looks as confused as you feel. There’s not enough space in this room for him to try and run away again, he has to actually talk to you. And he says, “Why would you  _ want _ me to get involved? I- I’m the reason you were sent away.” He just stares at you, uncomprehending. “Don’t... don’t you hate me?”

...Oh. 

That, you think you understand.

As your confusion starts to dissipate, so does your outrage. You still sound short when you say, “Please. You weren’t that important,” but you manage to soften a little when you continue, “They were fighting about it a lot, those last few months. My mom and... him. You know. She’d been trying to persuade him for ages. Whatever you might have said to him... it didn’t matter. He was never gonna keep us forever.”

“...Still,” he says, looking away, “I played a part in it. I never fully understood how grave your situation was back then. If I had-”

“If you had, what? What could you have possibly done?” He doesn’t look up, and you snort a little. “So... what, you went and joined a bunch of rebels just because you felt guilty?” As you say the words, your stomach twists. Even if being here might have kept him safe, he must have had friends, a life of his own. Giving up all that...

He’s blinking at you in confusion again. “What? No, that’s not it. I mean, I do feel guilty, but...”

“But what?” You hold his gaze, and you’re not angry anymore, that’s gone, you just... you need to understand this. Your voice is hoarse when you ask, “Why would you do all this for me?”

“...Because you’re my little brother,” he says softly, and still somehow sounding apologetic. You stop breathing. “I... I never stopped thinking about you. I couldn’t. I had no idea if you were alright, if you were hurt or in trouble, and even if I’d known there was nothing I could do for you. I...” Tears are just barely beginning to brim in his eyes again, and even that much still feels wrong to see. “I always... always wanted to protect you, however I could. So when Chrono told me about all of this, told me there was a way to make sure you’d be safe... of course I joined him. I would have done anything to achieve that.”

You can’t look at him. You feel the tears in your own eyes, as his words sink into you. As you’re forced to set aside the impulse to doubt him, because... because he’s here. He wouldn’t have come all this way if he didn’t mean what he was saying, right?

“It didn’t matter what I had to do. It still doesn’t,” Kazumi says, sounding more firm, “I’ll do whatever I can to support you here too... even if it’s from a distance, I don’t mind. Whatever would make you most comfortable.”

“Don’t-!” The word jumps out from you, and you jerk your head back up and step closer to him. You don’t know if everything’s really sunk in for you yet, but you know you have to make one thing clear. “Don’t avoid me, okay? I don’t... I don’t want that. At all.” His eyes widen. Shaking a little, you grab onto his sleeve. It’s hard to say this - at all, but especially to him - but after what he admitted, he deserves to understand you too. “I- I really thought you stopped caring about me. When I wasn’t there anymore.” Your voice is small, and you feel like you’re six again, worrying if he’ll forgive you for getting a present he gave you broken. “I thought, maybe, you’d be relieved I was gone. N-not having to waste your time anymore on s-some needy little kid...”

His breath catches, just a little. “No, Kazuma, never. I never thought of you like that for a moment,” he says, and then his hand is petting your hair, and what attempt at restraint you’d made crumbles. You lean forward, pressing your forehead against his shoulder, still feeling yourself shake. He’s really here. He’s warm and solid, and  _ here _ , not in that fancy apartment, or imprisoned in the Capitol, or worse. Your brother came all the way here, for you. Carefully, he moves his hand to the back of your head, holding you while you let yourself start to cry.

...You can’t pretend you cared about being a family with the man responsible for your existence. Even if the whole resistance needs you to, you just can’t even imagine the words in your mouth without feeling ill. But Kazumi... Kazumi is another story. You wrap your uninjured hand around his back and squeeze as tight as you can. If he’s willing to go this far to help you, then you should do your part too. You couldn’t be a family together openly, in the world the way it is. So if there’s any way for you to change that... don’t you owe it to the both of you to try?


	2. Part 2 - Kazumi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for unhealthy attitudes towards food/eating this chapter - it doesn't go on for long enough to qualify as a disorder, but the thought process is similar.

It’s been just over a week since you first arrived in District 13, and you still feel on edge. Being with Kazuma helps, but it’s still a little difficult to feel totally at ease with him. Of course you’re happy - unbelievably so - that he actually wants you around. But that’s part of what makes it so hard to simply relax and accept. You keep worrying that you’ll do something wrong, or that he’ll change his mind. 

When the refugees from District 5 finally arrived, you almost couldn’t stand the guilt. Seeing his mother injured and unconscious, with no certain recovery, you felt all the more like you didn’t deserve to be here. It had been so close, back in the Capitol. You only narrowly avoided the snare set for you, but she couldn’t, and despite knowing the two events had nothing to do with each other, it still feels like you only made it here at her expense. That you stole her place, somehow.

If Kazuma felt anything similar, he didn’t say anything. He even requested the two of you be allowed to live in the same compartment for your time here. You’d worried it might be too much too quickly, but you agreed to it. If you and his mother can’t both be here to support him, you have to do enough for her share too.

Maybe you’d feel sturdier if you were allowed to participate more in the rebellion. If you had an actual role to fulfill. But when you had a chance to talk to President Myoujin about it, he’d just said, “I’ll let you know when we have need of you.”

You understand. Really, you do. You joined so recently, and then you’d vehemently refused to let Shiranui be left behind or taken for questioning when you all first arrived here. You don’t regret it - it was the absolute least you could do for him - but you know it must have looked suspicious. Most likely, the president is waiting until you prove trustworthy enough to be allowed to do more. But in the meantime, most of the people you know  _ are _ involved and hard at work already, while you’re left floundering.

Mealtimes, at least, you’ve got a good chance at seeing them. Sometimes Chrono and Ibuki arrive late enough you can only catch a few minutes with either of them, but Kazuma makes a point of getting down to the dining hall in time to eat together with you. You’re grateful for that. Apart from the schedule reflection time, it’s the only part of the day you’re guaranteed to see him. Even when he’s not working, he has his mother to visit, and last you heard Luard still wasn’t being allowed to leave the hospital, so he spends quite a bit of time there. You don’t want to intrude on that.

Besides, if you’re honest, you don’t really like the dining hall. You wouldn’t dream of complaining, of course, but it’s... well, it’s so crowded. There’s no real way to avoid sitting near some of the residents of District 13. And you’re sure many of the residents are perfectly nice; every time you’ve been able to talk to either of the Anjous, they’ve been very welcoming. But in a place like this, where there’s so many... you can’t escape feeling like you’re being watched.

It’s silly. Paranoid. But you do stand out, you know. There’s only a few other Capitol-born refugees, and you’re the only one with immediately noticeable enhancements. If they are staring, you can’t really blame them.

Hovering around the entrance to the dining hall, you try to find Kazuma before you sit anywhere. It doesn’t seem like he’s here yet... sighing, you step back away from the door and look back up the way you came for any sign of him in that direction.

Instead, you catch Shiranui rounding a corner and heading towards you.

You freeze up, not sure whether to pretend you hadn’t seen him or go inside or... or what. But before you can do anything, he notices you too. His steps pause, but after what seems to be a moment of consideration, he keeps walking towards you. “Hey,” he says, nodding at you in acknowledgment. 

“Hello,” you say, try to keep your voice steady. Shiranui looks through the door into the room too, but frowns and doesn’t enter yet. It’s alright to talk a little more, isn’t it? Ignoring him would be far more impolite. “Are you waiting for someone?”

“Yeah... that Anjou girl insisted on giving Matsuba a tour of the district. She was supposed to bring her here when she’s done.” He toys with the end of his braid impatiently. “Guess it’s taking longer than she planned.”

Still, you smile a little. “She’s doing alright, then? Miss Kobayashi.”

“Well, alright enough to get out of bed, anyway,” he says, leaning back against the opposite wall. He’s kept his eyes fixed on the dining hall - trying to make sure she isn’t already there, you think - but you don’t really mind that. He’s actually  _ talking  _ to you, that’s more important. Since arriving, you’d been busy with Kazuma and he’d been busy with Matsuba, and... you just hadn’t had a chance to figure out where the two of you stand now. It had seemed like he understood, when you were finally able to explain to him about your brother, but understanding and forgiving are two different things. You don’t want to assume anything.

Actually... now that you think about it, had you even thanked him properly for everything he did? You try to think back to the conversation on the flight over, but you’d been babbling and so overwhelmed with the close call and the fact that he’d even wanted to help you... you really can’t remember. You feel yourself flushing with mortification. Well, better late than never. You clear your throat, getting his attention, and say, “I... should have said this some time ago, but... thank you for saving me. You didn’t have to-”

“And you don’t have to thank me for that,” he says, still not looking at you.

The interruption catches you by surprise, but you insist, “No, really, I do. I don’t know how I can ever repay you, but if there’s something I can do for you, please just say so.”

“It’s fine, we’re even. Matsuba made it out of the arena, after all,” he says, and glances at you from the corner of his eye, seeming a little amused at your surprise. “I heard, you know. When you asked this little club if they could get the District Four tributes out too.”

Somehow, you manage to laugh at that. “Ah, I see... I must have been even worse at being secretive than I thought then.”

He grins, just a little. “Or you just shouldn’t try to sneak around me.” 

Though seeing him relax somewhat makes you smile, you can’t shake your uneasy feeling and have to admit, “Still, that’s not anything I really did.” Even at the time, when you’d tried to make that request, they’d only said they had no idea who they’d be able to break out for certain other than Kazuma. Shiranui must have heard that too, if he really had listened in on the meeting, so you’re not sure why he’s giving you credit for it. “I only asked, it was just luck that they were actually able to help her.”

He looks a little irritated now, and faces back towards the doorway. “I’m telling you, it’s fine. It seriously isn’t anything you have to repay.”

“But...” Your whole being is tense, anxious for this to go right. “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have even made it out of the Capitol, let alone ever seen Kazuma again. And you had to leave your life behind to help me, even after I hurt you so badly...” At the time you’d felt sure you were burning a bridge with him, but after everything he did... were you wrong to hope he might have some place in his life for you? He doesn’t say anything, and you don’t know how to read his expression. Despite yourself, you drop your eyes and say more quietly, “I suppose it probably is impossible for me to ever make that up to you, but I’d like to try-”

Then, in the time it takes for you to blink, he crosses the hall, slamming a hand against the wall next to your face hard enough to make you flinch. “Shiranui?” you say, but for a few long moments he just stares at you closely with his ice blue eyes.

“You’ve seriously never understood anything,” he says, but you do understand you’ve done something wrong again. “Listen. I’m only going to say this once, okay?” You nod, not sure what else you could possibly do. He leans in closer, voice low and hard. “I was lying. The whole time we were together. I needed to be with  _ someone _ to keep the worst of the sponsors away from me, and you were rich and naive and fawning enough I could’ve manipulated you in my sleep. It was about convenience, and that’s it.” 

At first you can’t really grasp the size of the admission. But you start to remember your feeble attempt at reassuring him he didn’t need to do anything in exchange for your help in the garden, how you’d crumbled the second he pushed just a little. And then the meaning of his words starts to sink in, and each memory you turn to takes on a new sickening shade.

You should have known, you realize. You’d wondered why he chose you, and you’d been so close to understanding from the start, but you’d wanted... you’d wanted to think it was possible. That he might actually like you. You didn’t think... you didn’t even  _ try _ ...

He eyes you for a few moments, before drawing away from you and taking a step back. “So now you get it, right? There’s no point in ‘making it up’ to me, or trying to go back to what we had. There’s nothing real to get back to in the first place.”

Right. Of course. There’s no way to keep your voice from shaking when you say, “I’m sorry.”

But he just blinks and stares at you like you’ve grown a second head. “Why are  _ you  _ apologizing?”

You barely register the question, as you go over and over everything you did together. You’d tried to be careful, to let him decide what he was comfortable with and what he wanted, but it wasn’t enough. “For... for making you feel like you had to do all of those things for me...” You let him kiss you, you think as your stomach lurches. Hold you. Even _sleep_ _with you_. “I- I really can’t apologize enough. I’m so sorry...”

“You didn’t  _ make  _ me do anything. That was the whole  _ point- _ ” Then he groans, rubbing at his forehead. “Forget it. If you’d rather blame yourself than actually listen to me, be my guest.”

What’s that supposed to mean...? You are listening to him; even if you never forced him, he just told you he’d still been agreeing to do things he hadn’t actually wanted. It’s just as bad, as far as you’re concerned. But he heads into the dining hall, leaving you to stare after him helplessly. You press the heels of your hands against your eyes until it hurts, struggling to keep your breathing even. You’re still in public, more or less. You need to keep control of yourself.

Good thing you do. It’s only seconds before you hear Kazuma’s voice from further up the hall. “Hey, are you okay?”

Right away, you straighten back up and turn to smile at him as he hurries towards you. “Of course, I’m fine.”

He gives you a flat look, and then looks in at the room. “...Was that Shiranui just now? Did he say something to you?”

“No,” you say, shaking your head, “Or, rather, it was him, but it... it was my fault. Please, don’t worry about it.” He doesn’t try to hide his doubt at all, so you take the initiative and head inside. “Come on, I think it’s thinning out a bit in there. Let’s go.”

He follows after you without arguing, but once you’ve both gotten your rations and sat down, he says, “Y’know, I’ve been wondering about this for a while.” He leans in towards you, and points at your ears. “What’s the deal with those, anyway? Are you two matching on purpose, or was it, like, a fad or something?”

You feel yourself turning red, and you self-consciously touch the enhancements still on your ears. You knew you should have had them removed back when the two of you actually broke up, but you’d been so busy and distracted... and now short of taking a knife to them, you’re stuck.

“I mean,” Kazuma says, straightening back up, “They don’t look bad or anything. Just - uh - wondering if there’s something else going on.”

“...There was,” you say, folding your hands in your lap, “But not anymore.”

“Oh.” He looks at you, then off towards the table Shiranui’s sitting at with his tribute. And then says, “Is  _ that  _ why he’s being an ass to you?”

“He’s not... he’s in the right here,” you insist, shaking your head, “It was all my fault how things turned out, I-” You hesitate. Frankly, you’re afraid to tell Kazuma everything Shiranui just admitted to you. If the similarities between you and your father right now are despicable even to you, you can only imagine what his reaction would be. 

But you can at least explain what Chrono and Ibuki already know. He’s bound to find out that much one way or another. “I got involved with him almost three years ago. He asked me to sponsor him, and to- to be with him, and...” Even this much, you feel ashamed to admit. “There’s no excuse. I knew back then too that if you ever got Reaped, I’d put you first. But I stupidly tried to convince myself it wouldn’t come to that, and then... it did.” You shake your head, let out a trembling sigh. “I put him in a terrible position. He has every right to still be furious with me.” 

“...Wow,” Kazuma says, though he doesn’t move away and sounds more stunned than disgusted. “So, wait, what’s he doing here, then? You said Chrono told you about the resistance, so was he secretly already with them or something?”

“Oh... no, he found out about this from me,” you say, feeling ashamed for a different reason now, “I suppose I’m not very good at subterfuge. He discovered what I was doing, and... and so did the Capitol.” Is there a single thing you’ve done right? You’re trying to think of something, but just keep coming up blank. No wonder President Myoujin doesn’t want you involved further. “He realized I was about to get caught, and warned me about it and helped me avoid the Peacemakers until we could get out of the city.”

Even after everything... despite how oblivious you were to what he actually needed, how much you pushed on him, his own lack of feelings for you. He still saved you. 

Shiranui’s right. You don’t understand him at all.

“Wait, you almost got caught?” Kazuma says it in almost a hush, like he’s afraid to say the words at full volume. He seems to shrink in on himself, looking down at his plate. “You... you seriously could’ve died...”

“But I didn’t. I’m alright.” You reach over and take his uninjured hand. “And even if I had, it would’ve been worth it, as long as you were alright.”

He snaps, “Don’t say that!” You flinch, and some people sitting nearby turn more obviously in your direction. But his grip on your hand tightens and you don’t try to pull it back. “I don’t... I don’t wanna be the reason you’re dead, or- or wind up losing the people you care about.”

“What happened with Shiranui was my own fault. I’m the only one responsible for-”

“I don’t mean just him,” Kazuma says, eyes flickering away towards the floor. “Your parents... they didn’t come with you. They’re still in the Capitol, right?” His shoulders hunch and his voice drops to little more than a mutter. “You put me over them too, but you shouldn’t have had to.”

You open your mouth, realize you’re not sure what you actually want to say, and close it again. You don’t want to upset him any further. But how delicately can you even put the way you feel about those people? “Kazuma,” you say, because of course you have to try anyway, “You know... what they were like.”

“Yeah, I know, but they at least liked  _ you _ . And they took care of you all this time, it... it couldn’t have been easy to leave them behind, knowing...”

Before you can piece together an answer, a woman you don’t recognize steps up behind the two of you. She puts a hand on Kazuma’s shoulder and leans down to ask, “Is everything alright here?” Her eyes turn to you, skeptical. “He’s not bothering you, is he?”

“What? Of course not,” Kazuma says, shrugging her hand off. “And if I want something hanging off my shoulders, I’d get a jacket.”

She sniffs lightly, straightening back up. “I’m only making sure.” After giving you another quick look, she turns and heads back to her own table. You don’t say anything for a while, until you’re sure she’s not coming back and that people aren’t so blatantly paying attention to the two of you.

“...I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel responsible, for whatever happens to them after this...” As much as you hate your father, hoping to never see him again and knowing your actions will likely lead to his arrest, if not his death, are two different things. It’s a weight you don’t enjoy on your conscience. But- “But I’ve had a long time to think about what that means. And I decided I can handle it,” you say, soft but firm. You even manage to smile a little when you admit, “My father wouldn’t have hesitated to cut ties to me if he thought it would protect him, and my mother’s never disagreed with him. It’s only fair I get to make that choice too.”

Your brother looks up at you, looking reluctant to take you at your word. “But they’re still your parents...”

You raise an eyebrow at him. “And he’s your father.”

Kazuma frowns at that. “Don’t remind me.” Then he leans backward, looking up towards the ceiling. “But... yeah, I guess I know what you mean.”

You squeeze his hand one more time before letting go. “I’m not giving up anything I can’t live without,” you say simply, “And I promise I won’t going forwards either. Does that reassure you at all?”

He doesn’t look fully convinced, you think, but after a few seconds he nods. “Guess it’ll have to.” Then he lets out a breath. “Just remember, I’m already here, okay? It worked out, I’m fine. So you don’t have to go planning to do things like that for me anymore.”

You smile more easily at that. “Understood.” Seeming to accept that, Kazuma finally starts eating his lunch. You do too, but... after a few bites, find yourself struggling to swallow. Without the conversation, you’re more aware of the people around you talking. How many voices there are. You try to ignore it, to not think about how everyone knows where you’re from and the kind of easy life you had before you came here.  

It’s just... it’s hard to eat, when you can’t shake the feeling that so many people are watching you. If you could at least take it back to your room and eat privately, you think that’d be easier. But you tried that the day after you first arrived and had gotten in trouble before you even crossed the threshold. If Chrono hadn’t stepped in, you think you’d still be getting yelled at for it.

As you push the rest of the food around on your plate, Kazuma raises an eyebrow at you. “You okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Just not very hungry today,” you laugh a little, and push your bowl towards him. “Do you want the rest? It’s not much, but...”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.” You smile. “You need it more than I do, with how hard you’re working.”

He rolls his eyes. “Some work,” he says, though he does pull the bowl towards himself, “So far it’s just been a lot of measuring for outfits and taking photos.” He looks at the cast on his wrist. “Guess filming around this is gonna be a pain.”

“Hang in there,” you say, “And let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

He smiles a little bit. “I will. Thanks.” He finishes off the rest of what you gave him, and you feel a little prick of satisfaction that you could at least do that for him.

 

* * *

 

At dinner, you offer Chrono most of your vegetables. At breakfast, you let Kazuma finish your grains. It really does make you feel better to do so. Every bite you take yourself feels like a waste. Your presence here takes up space and resources that others could be using, and you know everyone who sees you is just as aware of that as you are. If not more so. At least this way, you can mitigate that as much as possible.

The dizziness and gnawing in your stomach, you can overlook as well as anything else. Other people have coped with much worse. You can too. You have to, or else you’re just confirming what everyone’s thinking. That you’re a burden here. At lunch, you make sure to give Kazuma half your meal. When you insist on it, he starts looking concerned. Maybe you should try sneaking your food onto his plate instead. He won’t have to worry then.

Shortly afterwards, you have cleaning duty in the kitchens. No one you recognize was assigned to this shift. You’ve gotten a little more used to this kind of thing, thanks to Chrono showing you what to do the few times you’ve had the same assignment, but you’re having a hard time remembering his advice right now. You feel lightheaded, and it’s distracting. A couple of people look your way, with clear impatience and irritation. You straighten yourself as specific duties are given out. It’s fine. You’ll just do what you can and not get in anyone’s way.

You’re given a section of the kitchen’s floors to clean. Simple. You’ve mopped before, you can handle it. But after a few minutes, you just blink in confusion at the floor. It’s not looking any cleaner at all. If anything, it seems kind of muddy... maybe you’re just not pushing hard enough? You try to double down and put more strength into your arms, but before long you feel oddly winded, even by your own admittedly poor standards. And the harder you try, the more you feel your hands shaking, and your vision blurs a little, and still nothing looks any better. 

What are you doing wrong? You try to think, but you can’t concentrate well enough to remember clearly.

“Hey-!” The supervisor shouts, walking over to you, “What do you think you’re doing?”

You look up, all set to apologize already, and notice the other workers with brooms, their mops still untouched. Ah... your stomach sinks, and now you can remember Chrono’s instructions. Sweep up the dirt first, then wash the floors.

“Did you even think to look around before you went and used up all this time?” the man snaps, “Not to mention the water... we’ll have to use twice what we should in order to clean this up. Could you at least pretend you care about not being wasteful?”

You accept the rebuke quietly. He’s right, of course. You need to try harder. Dark spots swim before your eyes and you try to rub them away. Are you sweating...? From just this much work? You need to adjust faster, you’re not doing enough.

“Are you even paying attention?” He groans, snatching the mop out of your grip, “This is why I didn’t want you assigned here-”

“Fine,” a familiar voice interrupts, “I’ll take him off your hands for you.” You blink, not quite sure to trust your own hearing. But when you look behind you, it is him. Shiranui. 

The manager looks surprised too, then narrows his eyes. “Oh no, he’s not getting out of work just like that. He still needs to clean up his mess. Not to mention the rest of-”

Shiranui steps in front of you, leaning slightly down towards the man, and your heart picks up against your will at the show of his height. “Are  _ you  _ paying any attention? Look at him, he’s obviously not feeling well. Keep making him work like this, he’ll just make more problems.” He raises an eyebrow, and shows the points of his teeth when he asks, “Unless you just want more excuses to yell at him?”

“Shiranui-” you start to protest, but the manager cuts you off, “Please, he’s faking it. He’s trying to get out of work early and go back to doing nothing.”

“In which case,” Shiranui says, “A nurse will be able to find that out no problem, and I’ll bring him back.” Without another word, he turns around and pulls you away towards the halls, and you’re too dizzy and weak to do anything but let him. You try not to be reassured at having his arm around you. You’re not going to make that mistake again.

The nurse is stern with her reprimand when she figures out what you’ve been doing. All meals are precisely what each individual requires, she reminds you, and skipping or sharing is giving up vital nutrition. You try to protest it was only a few times, but she won’t hear any of it, and you feel Shiranui glaring at you from behind. She gives you a couple of tablets and some juice to get you safely through to dinner, and insists you not use more energy than necessary until then.

As you leave the hospital wing, Shiranui follows you out. You’re not sure why he’s stayed so long. He could have just dropped you off.

“So,” he says, still not leaving, “What brought this on?”

You try to laugh, play it off as unimportant. “Well, you know. The food here’s all so plain and simple, it’s hard to eat something so unappetizing...” You trail off when he raises a distinctly unconvinced eyebrow at you. Looking down, you tuck some hair behind your ear. “...I’m not doing much anyway. Not really. So I thought... it’d be better to give what I didn’t want to someone else.”

“Yeah, that sounds more like it...” He says while you fidget guiltily, then sighs and leans back against the wall. “Look, you’re already eating a lot less than you’re used to here. Denying yourself something necessary just to give someone else a bonus is gonna screw you up pretty badly.”

It stings to hear, but you don’t try to argue. “I didn’t think it’d be that big of a deal,” you admit, “People survive on less. Most in the districts do.”

“Not by choice. And not very well,” he says, the scolding not leaving his tone. Then he adds, “C’mon, I’ll walk you to your room.”

“Eh?”

“You heard her - you need to take it easy for a while. And I get the feeling if I leave you to your own devices, you’ll try to go back to work instead.” He tilts his head. “Unless you’d rather I get your brother to babysit you.”

“No,” you say immediately, despite flinching a little at his extremely accurate prediction. “No, he... he doesn’t have to worry about this.” 

“Fine.” He starts walking away, leaving you to follow, which of course you do. “Maybe I’ll just tell Shindou instead.”

“Eh? You talk to Chrono?”

He shrugs one shoulder. “Sometimes. Our training sessions have been at the same time, so. Hard to avoid.”

...You’d really like to ask more about that. But you don’t know if it’s your place to. And you have a more pressing question you’d like answered. “Um... Shiranui,” you ask, not quite daring to actually walk beside him, “You had something else scheduled right now, didn’t you? Why were you even at the kitchens?”

He glances back over his shoulder at you, and rubs the back of his neck. “That’s...” He sighs. “I was looking for you.” You blink. “Yesterday, I... I was on edge about something and wound up taking it out on you. What I said... I didn’t need to say it like that.”

“Oh... that’s alright, I don’t mind.” You look down, lacing your fingers together. “I mean... it must be a relief, not to have to be nice to me anymore.”

“Well, you were easy to be nice to. Most of the time, anyway.”

You shake your head. “No, really. It’s fine if you don’t want to. You have every reason to hate me. Even,” the words catch in your throat, and you force them out, “Even if I didn’t know, you still... you still felt like you had to be in a relationship with me for protection. And I was reaping the benefits of that.”

Even though you knew how badly and imbalanced a relationship could be between your classes, even though you’d see with your own eyes the lengths people in need could go to for safety. You’d still chosen to take Shiranui’s words at face value, to think it was just enough to not pressure him yourself and ignore the way the entire world was pressing on him.

“And what would’ve been better?” He looks back at you again. “Don’t underestimate those vultures. If you hadn’t been so committed to me, they would’ve taken it as an opening.” He pauses. “Honestly, things with you went better than I could’ve hoped. It wasn’t this awful nightmare you’re trying to make it out to be. And I didn’t tell you all of this so you’d use it to bludgeon yourself.”

“Why did you tell me, then?”

He stops, then, and turns towards you fully. “Because you should know the kind of person I am.” There isn’t the slightest unsteadiness in him when he says, “I knew what I was doing. How I was using you. Don’t try and tell yourself otherwise.”

You understand what he’s saying. You do. But you can’t let yourself off the hook that easily. “...Still, if I’d realized, we could have figured something else out. Pretended to be a couple in public, maybe.” You shake your head. “Anything else...”

For a long moment, he just stares at you. Long enough that it’s actually startling when he finally says, “Why do you keep doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“I just told you I lied to you and used you for years.” Despite his words, you can’t pick up on any anger this time. Just exhaustion and disbelief. “Anyone with reason could see that’s a massive betrayal, and you won’t even get angry over it?”

You blink. “Why would I be angry at you for wanting to protect yourself?”

He just stares at you for a few seconds. Then runs a hand over his face and lets out a long, rattling sigh. “It can’t be that simple-”

“To me, it is,” you say, more firmly, “You’re important to me - I  _ wanted  _ you to be safe. Getting upset at you just for finding a way to do so would be outrageous.” You look away and add, “Besides... even though you didn’t feel anything for me, you still... you protected me. I’d never have seen Kazuma again if it weren’t for you. If anything, it’s more impressive you’d do that after I hurt you-”

“Stop,” he says, sounding very exhausted all of a sudden. He seems to want to say something else, changes his mind and instead just mutters, “Don’t... think that highly of me.”

“...Shiranui? What’s wrong?”

“Nevermind,” he says, running a hand through his bangs, “But, about what happened in the Capitol... I’m not nice enough that I would’ve have done that for someone I really hated.” He looks at you briefly, before looking away again. “Can we leave it at that for now?”

Slowly, you nod. ‘For now’... well, if he wants to talk again, you’re more than willing. But even if you’re glad to hear him say he doesn’t hate you, you can’t feel relieved yet. You still don’t know what he wants from you anymore. It’s not much comfort to realize he probably doesn’t know either.

 

* * *

 

That night at dinner, Kazuma watches you eat carefully enough that you wonder if Shiranui said something to him after all. When you clear your plate, though, he just asks if you’re feeling better now and doesn’t mention anything else. It really is embarrassing just how bad you seem to be at hiding anything. You think Chrono also relaxed a little once he noticed you finished eating - you’ll have to ask him if Shiranui mentioned anything. Are they actually friends? You don’t want to be nosy, but in theory you like the idea.

As the scheduled dinner time runs down, you’re thinking of how to bring up the subject, when you notice Mamoru Anjou approaching the table. “Hello everyone,” he says to the group, before turning to you directly, “Onimaru, may I speak to you for a few minutes?”

It’s enough of a surprise, at first you just look over at Kazuma instead of answering. He says, “Go on, I’ll wait for you.”

Nodding, you stand up and let Mamoru lead you off to a corner of the room. “Is something the matter?”

“Not exactly the matter, but... I’m sure you’re aware how busy we’ve all been, getting things underway for the upcoming fight.” You nod, and he smiles. “Frankly, with all the new people who’ve come in and our plans starting to pick up, I’ve been finding myself more shorthanded than I expected.” He tilts his head, something confident in the way he looks at you. “So I was wondering if you’d be interested at all in acting as one of my assistants.”

Your heart skips a beat, and you quickly have to manage and measure your response. “I-I am interested, but-” How to put this... “Are you certain I’d be a good choice? Involving me that much when I haven’t earned much trust yet...”

“Chrono and Kazuma trust you,” he says, “Those are good enough recommendations for me. And from what I’ve heard, you were very dedicated and thorough in your work as a sponsor. I’d like to think I can make good use of that.” He laughs a little. “Besides, I can’t have Tokoha do everything. Even if she’d try to.”

That makes you laugh a little too, and when you say, “Then yes, I’d be happy to,” there isn’t a trace of unsteadiness in you.


	3. Part 3 - Shiranui

A month. It’s been nearly a month since you arrived here, and as far as you know you aren’t any closer to getting Gouka out of the Capitol than you were before.

You’ve asked as many people as you have access to. Various officers in the district’s military. Your own training instructor. At one point you even tracked down their president and tried to get information out of him. But the answer is always about the same. A soldier’s job is to wait for orders, not make them. Especially at your level. It makes you regret joining their damn army in the first place... not that you had many options. You did essentially forced your way in here; if you wanted any hope of not getting thrown in a cell at the first opportunity, you had to make yourself seem useful and obedient.

Maybe they assume you’re just being rash, wanting to run out as soon as possible to help him and the other tributes left behind. But if so, they’re misunderstanding. You appreciate the need for careful planning and preparation, but having to wait indefinitely at someone else’s behest, completely in the dark... surely that would be enough to rob anyone of their patience. 

In the arena, you made your own plans, with Genkai usually agreeing with your tactics. As a sponsor, you at least had control over your own source of funds and could use them according to your own judgment. Here... all you can do is wait, and hope someone, somewhere up on the chain of command is pushing the issue forward.

You don’t like it. Things rarely go well once they’re out of your control. There’s certainly no indication this time will be any different.

At least watching over Matsuba’s recovery gives you a sense of progress being made. Her shoulder had been badly injured by that boy from District 3, but she’s been working hard to regain use of it. She’s told you she wants to join District 13’s army as well, when she’s capable. 

You’re hoping to talk her out of it before then - or at the very least, ensure she’s not just joining because you have. You still remember all too clearly the first time you went to see her in the hospital. How she grabbed onto you and asked if you were disappointed with her, for not staying in the arena. For possibly losing. If you’d had any doubts about whether you’d done the right thing joining this rebellion, that one question doused them in icy certainty. 

...You don’t understand what it is about you that brings that out in people. That idolization. You wonder if Gouka’s thinking the same thing right now, if he’s worrying about your opinion while he’s in danger. It makes you feel ill just to imagine.

Fortunately, while you may be frustrated with your position in the hierarchy, the actual training helps keep you from getting too lost in your own head. It gives your days a badly needed structure, and reminds you of a little of being back home in District 4, both working towards volunteering and later coaching the potential trainees. You can at least admit you’re lacking in some areas compared to the soldiers born and raised here. Firearms weren’t exactly in large supply in District 4, and learning to use them has taken time. And when it comes to hand-to-hand combat, you can hold your own perfectly well. It’s reassuring to actually do something you’re good at now and then.

And right now, you have a reliable sparring partner in Chrono Shindou. You may still have some mixed feelings about the younger boy, but you have mixed feelings about most of your life right now. It doesn’t change that he’s a very determined and pragmatic fighter, despite the difference in your sizes and his own lack of formal training. You certainly can’t let your guard down around him, let alone get too caught up in thinking about anything except the fight.

And you’ve no intention of letting him get the best of you that easily. This time too, you get him pinned underneath you in the end.

“Alright, alright,” he finally pants, “I give.” You take a moment to enjoy the surrender, and then get off of him. He coughs a couple of times, before pushing himself up.

You don’t offer a hand, but you do admit, “You did well this time. You might be able to turn the tables on me one of these days.”

“I better,” he says, laughing a little bit despite being out of breath, “If I don’t improve, there wouldn’t be much point, would there?” 

It’s easy to smile at him, at times like these. Easy to think of him as another kid who got roped into something he shouldn’t have even had to worry about. 

That’s a line of thought you should extend to that boy Luard as well, you know, but it’s a bit difficult when you haven’t actually spoken to him yet. It seems everyone’s intent on keeping the two of you as far away from each other as possible. You’re not sure if you’re thankful for that or not. The last thing you need right now is more unfinished business, but you don’t actually have any idea what you’d say if you  _ did _ have the chance to speak with him.

You remember his brother. Dagda. A good fighter, brave enough to try and face you head-on without running away. Killing him hadn’t been personal. It simply was what you needed to do in there. But you don’t think that will be much comfort to his little brother. 

“Something wrong?” Chrono asks, and you blink out of your thoughts. 

Giving him a long sideways look, you ask before you can reconsider, “What do you remember, about how things ended with Kurenai?”

For a moment, he looks like he’s been slapped, a wary edge coming into his eyes. But there’s no anger or provocation in your question, at least that you’re aware of. Finally, he says, “What do you want to know?”

“Anything you feel you can share.”

He doesn’t answer you right away, but when he does he turns more fully towards you. “It was a surprise, for both of us, I think. She seemed pretty stunned when she managed to get out of the trees just to run into me. I remember how badly she was burned, and how hard she fought in spite of it. How angry and desperate she looked.” Holding your gaze, he admits quietly, “I think she might have been crying.”

You let this sink in. Hold it carefully. And let out a sigh. “As I thought. It doesn’t help at all.”

“Help with what?”

You just shake your head. "Nevermind. I'm sorry to make you talk about it." It’s nothing you hadn’t seen for yourself on that screen. Nothing you didn't know already. That she was strong and had done all she could, and deserved to not have her life toyed with and thrown away when she failed to be entertaining enough. What could you possibly tell Luard about his brother’s death that he doesn’t already know?

...It’s unfair, but you catch yourself wishing Kazumi were here listening to this too. You can imagine it easily enough. His own sorrow and sympathy showing clearly, holding your hand and asking if you’re alright. You wonder if it’d be any easier to verbalize how you feel, if he were the one asking.

Then, as if the universe has decided just now to do what you want, the door to the room slides open and Kazumi walks through. Chrono reacts first, waving at him and calling over, “Hey there, Kazumi.”

“Hello, Chrono,” he says, smiling warmly, before looking at you and hesitating a moment before adding, “Shiranui, it’s nice to see you.” 

You can’t help your own pause, more than a little embarrassed about your own imagination. But that’s no reason to ignore him, so you say, “Yes, you as well.” 

If he’s trying not to show his relief, he’s failing. His shoulders and expression both relax, and his smile brightens visibly at your meager response. It nearly makes you wince, that he’s still so happy just getting scraps like that. “You look like you’ve both been working hard,” he says, before glancing around the room. “Is your supervisor here? I didn’t see her...”

“She’s checking on some of the equipment right now,” Chrono answers easily enough, “Back of the room, should be the door furthest to the left.”

“Thank you,” Kazumi nods, glances at you again quickly, then briskly walks away. You watch him go, rapping your fingers against your arm and wishing you’d said something more to him. What, exactly, you’re not sure. But... something.

“Y’know,” Chrono says, and you’re suddenly very aware of his eyes on you, “If there’s something you want to tell him, you’re gonna have to actually say it.”

You shift a little at being read so easily, and tighten your crossed arms, knowing you look and sound defensive, “When I know what I want to say, I will.”

“Is it really that hard to figure out?” Dropping the pretense already. Can’t fault him for being direct, you suppose. “I mean, you either want to get back together with him, or you don’t.”

That gets a glare out of you. “And how many relationships have you had, exactly?” You snort lightly. “I don’t believe for a second that thing with the Kiba boy was real.”

He jumps, blinking a few times, before rubbing the back of his neck and looking awkwardly away. “It was that obvious, huh?”

“Considering neither of you bothered keeping up the act since then, yes.”

“Yeah, fine, you’re right about that one,” he sighs, letting his hand drop to his hip, “But you didn’t really answer me.” He glances off towards where Kazumi had gone, before looking back up at you. “Look, I don’t wanna overstep here or anything, but it’s pretty obvious how he still feels about you. Leaving him hanging like that forever is a lot worse than just turning him down.”

“...I know.”

“So...” He lets the word hang there, until he finally gets to what you figure is his real point, “Is this  _ really  _ about not knowing?” He doesn’t add ‘or is it about punishing him’, but the look in his eyes does it for him. You have enough self-awareness to not get angry. It’s a fair question. 

“No, I’ve no interest in hurting him for its own sake,” you say, shaking your head. To say you’ve forgiven him isn’t quite right, but if what you were after was doling out punishment, you already passed up a much, much better option. “It’d be a lot simpler if that were the problem.”

Then you hear the door open in the back of the room, and see Kazumi coming back through. “It sounds like things are moving along well,” he says, when he’s close enough, “She was especially pleased with your progress, Chrono.”

“She has a good eye,” you admit, grinning a little at the shorter boy.

He turns somewhat red, rubbing the back of his head. “Nah, I’ve got a long way to go before I can keep up with everyone here.”

“Well, according to her, you’d both be capable of holding your own on the field. I’ll be passing her recommendations along.” Kazumi’s smile turns a little uneasy as he looks at the documents in his hands, and half to himself he adds, “Maybe I should have signed on too after all.”

“Absolutely not,” you say, abruptly enough to startle him. “The last place you should be is in the middle of a battlefield.”

He wilts a little, though his smile doesn’t so much as twitch. “Right, I’m sure I wouldn’t have any idea what I was doing-”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.” You narrow your eyes and lean in towards him. “I just don’t trust your sense of self-preservation, let alone in a fight.”

Chrono laughs, grinning at Kazumi. “You gotta admit, he’s got a point.”

Kazumi turns a little pink, and fidgets with the papers in his hands. “I... don’t necessarily...”

“Besides, you have your own role to perform here,” you say, trying to drive the point home, “And I’m sure your brother will appreciate knowing you’re safe, instead of having to worry all the time about you on top of everything else.”

That seems to sink in, at least, and he finally relents with a slight sigh. “I suppose you’re right about that.” Then he smiles again and says, “Sorry I can’t stay longer, but I do need to get these back to Mamoru.” You do your very best to keep your face straight at the casual mention of that name. “I’ll see you both later?”

He’s looking at you for an answer, and you nod. “Yeah, see you around.” Chrono does the same, waving again as Kazumi leaves. 

As soon as he’s left the room, you catch Chrono looking up at you with a very slight grin. “Better if you don’t have to worry about him too, huh?”

You grunt, in an attempt to be dismissive. “That’s not what I said.”

“Not denying it, though.” 

“...He does plenty of worrying things already,” you say, “I don’t think there’s any escaping that completely.”

“You might be right about that.” Chrono smiles off towards the door Kazumi left through, his own fondness clear enough. “He could stand to think more about himself, but... I don’t think it’s a bad thing how much he cares.”

The easy, blithe way he says that sticks to you like tar. For a moment, you want to tell him exactly what Kazumi’s reaction was when you admitted you’d lied to him from the beginning. How you’d felt so sure that he’d be disillusioned, and the way his face fell in shock and horror as you thought you were putting an end to things between you. How he then managed to turn it all around on himself instead, and no matter what you’d said it’d been like talking to a wall. How there’s no relief or comfort in that, only a deep unsettling that you still haven’t been able to shake.

But the impulse dies in your throat, and you swallow it back down. Maybe you could tell him eventually, but if you said it right now it’d just come out vicious. You’re trying... to change that about yourself. At least a little.

So you change the subject instead, “In any case, I think we’ve spent long enough chatting. Would you like to try another round?"

He gives you an unimpressed look, as if to say he knows exactly what you’re doing. But it’s brief, quickly replaced with a determined smirk. “Sure thing.” 

 

* * *

 

That night at dinner, you give Kazumi a brief greeting, but otherwise maintain a wide berth. You know Chrono’s right, that you need to seriously talk to him eventually. It isn’t fair to just ask him to wait and then never follow up. But you weren’t lying when you said you don’t know what to say to him.

Though maybe being so uncertain is enough of an answer. In these circumstances, with so many other things to worry about, you just don’t have a clear enough head to really examine what you want from him. And you can’t ask him to wait until everything is over, when you don’t know how long that could take. Telling him clearly that you’re just not interested in restarting your relationship would probably be kindest. But when you catch Mamoru Anjou talking to him from the corner of your eye, something tightens uncomfortably inside you. You know they’re working together, but... when you see Kazumi with him, jumping to attention so eagerly, it feels familiar in a way you can’t stand to watch.

It’s pathetic. Being possessive of him when you can’t even clearly tell what you want from him... even you think that’s disgusting. You let out a ragged breath and just try not to look his way. 

At least Matsuba’s with you. There’s plenty for the two of you to talk about, and it fills the time well - about her recovery, whether she’s up for light combat training, and eventually even District 4 and how things might be faring out there. Matsuba, like you and many other potential Careers, has no family except the other trainees, but Gouka did. His parents may have been prepared for him to die in the arena for ‘honor’, but you can’t imagine how they’re handling him just being held in the Capitol like this. You wonder what everyone’s made of your disappearance. If Atago and Mujin are back there painting you as a traitor who abandoned them and your district.

Neither of you mention those exact worries, but you think you can feel similar ones in Matsuba. As much as you’ve tried to explain your change of heart to her, and as much as she trusts you, it’s hard to throw off all those years of training. Being told, over and over, the duty you have to your district, which protected and cared for those of you who had no one else.

You never told Kazumi about that, you catch yourself thinking. Some of it he’d have known from interviews, but there were so many things you glossed over and whitewashed for those. And even when you were together, you only told him the barest details about yourself. Just as there was so little you bothered to ask about him.

Despite yourself, you glance over in his direction again. You’re not the only one. Kazumi had always tried not to stand out too badly, but what constituted low-key in the Capitol is almost a beacon of flashiness here, and so many people keep glancing over at him. You feel a pang of regret at that, but it also strikes you as somewhat strange. There’s other Capitol refugees, and none of them have been well-received exactly, but there seems to be a particular hostility towards Kazumi. 

Well. That, or you’re just overly sensitive where he’s concerned. Either way, though, it troubles you to see.

Then you notice his brother beside him, looking directly at you. You stiffen, and turn away as casually as you can. Apart from the occasional greeting when you’ve run into him and Kazumi together, you haven’t spoken with Kazuma Shouji since arriving. Given the curt answers you usually get from him, you assumed he preferred it that way. Especially given his choice of friends.

But you keep him in the corner of your eye, feeling perhaps more wary than strictly necessary, and after a few minutes he stands up and heads towards you.

“Hey,” he says when he reaches you, all tightly wound tension, “Can we talk?”

You share a glance with Matsuba, but she does wind up nodding, if somewhat hesitantly. “Alright,” you say, as you stand up, “Did you mean here, or...?”

“Outside,” he says, turning and heading towards a door. You glance over at his table, but Kazumi isn’t there anymore. You suppose he’s gone to help Anjou with something again, and push aside your irritation at the idea.

Once you’re out in the hall, some ways away from the cafeteria, you ask, “Well, what’s this about? Trying to let your friend get a jump at me?” You try to say it lightly, but it’s not quite a joke.

“What?” He blinks, then his eyes widen with understanding. “Oh. Luard. No, he’s... they’ve got him under a tight watch.” Then he shakes his head. “And I wouldn’t do that even if he wasn’t.”

“Well, I don’t have much proof of that.” You cross your arms, looking down at him. “You were quite supportive of him in the arena, after all.”

“I... I know,” he mutters, avoiding your eyes. “That’s- actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about.”

“Why now? You’ve had plenty of time.”

“...I found out a couple of weeks ago. About what you did for Kazumi.” You still yourself, suddenly very aware of your own discomfort. “I kept trying to figure out how to bring it up, but nothing ever feels good enough, so... I guess I should just say it.” He lets out a rattling breath. “Thank you for helping him.”

The words are simple, but the way he says them isn’t. His voice is shaking with emotion - gratitude, but also fear and pain, clear enough that it’s almost uncomfortable to hear. “It’s alright,” you say, more than a little taken aback, “You don’t have to-”

“I do,” he insists, “If he actually died back then, I... I don’t even want to think about it.” His mouth tightens for a moment, before he looks up at you and says, “I gotta apologize too. What I did... it really messed things up between you two, didn’t it?”

“...It was always a complicated situation,” you say, more softly, “You were never the main source of our problems.”

“Still... I am sorry. For everything.”

Actually looking at him now, small and awkward and still trying to face you, you can’t find it in you to hold any real grudge. “You couldn’t have known,” you say, and the admittance feels like something coming untangled inside you, “And I can’t blame you for trying to find a way to survive in there. Any more than I can blame him for wanting to protect you.” It’s not exactly a matter of forgiving. Just one of acknowledgement. You know it all too well yourself, after all, how deep those kinds of feelings can run. The lengths you were willing to go to for either.

“Even if I didn’t know, I still wish I hadn’t gone after your tributes like that,” he shakes his head, before adding more quietly, “I’m just... sick of always making things harder for him.” He pauses, then looks up and adds, “Look, I’ll keep at the president about getting the other tributes back. And I’ll talk to Luard too, okay? I promise, I’ll help him realize you’re not this big monster he’s got in his head.”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” You hear yourself asking, a distant sound, “He may be right.”

To your surprise, he snorts. “I’m not buying that,” he says simply, because he doesn’t know any better either. “If you were like that, you wouldn’t have done anything for Kazumi.”

The certainty he speaks with convinces you. No putting it off or rejecting Kazumi without really explaining. You have to tell him everything - make him understand somehow, if he still tries to deny the kind of person you are in favor of his own fantasy. He can’t just keep going around telling people you’re noble or selfless. You can’t stand to hear it anymore.

But what you tell Kazuma is simply, “If you insist, then I appreciate it.” He offers you a hesitant kind of smile back, and when he does he looks just like his brother.

 

* * *

 

The next day, you manage catch Kazumi alone just after lunch. You pull him aside in the middle of everyone exiting the room, and simply tell him, “Stop by my compartment before curfew tonight.” He looks back at you with brief surprise, but nods without asking why. Frankly, you’d like to just take him there now and get it over with, but you were already reprimanded for ditching one of your scheduled activities to talk with him. You’d rather not get a second strike until you’re more secure in your place here.

Before he shows up, you do a quick check of the room for any bugs that might be listening in. You’ve done this once or twice before, but you don’t know if your lack of results means it’s actually clear or if you’re just not looking for the right things. You really don’t trust this place, or the president, and you know full well neither trusts you in return. Maybe they’re even right to, considering.

Well, you suppose as you hear the buzzer and move to let Kazumi in, if someone is listening in, at least you’ll likely know for sure after tonight.

Kazumi stands in front of the doorway, hands clasped loosely in front of him, and says softly, “Hello. What did you want to talk about?” You’d wondered if you were getting his hopes up, calling him over like this, but it doesn’t seem like it. If anything, he looks resigned.

“Come in,” you say, turning back and leading him in to the room. Once the door’s closed, you continue, “I’m going to tell you something. And I want you to listen to me carefully, without interrupting. Okay?” He nods, not even pausing as he follows you towards the bed. You sit down on it, trying to decide how to start. There’s no kind way to put this, and even if there was you wouldn’t want to use it. So you just ask, “Do you know just how early I found out about your involvement with the rebellion?”

He blinks at you, and then hesitantly shakes his head.

“It was almost right after Kazuma made his alliance with Luard,” you say, “And I was very, very angry. The second I noticed you weren’t at the usual lounges, I decided to follow you. I thought maybe you’d found somewhere else to get sponsors, or that you’d held out on me earlier.”

Kazumi flinches, starting to lace his fingers together. Nervous, then. Good. Maybe he’ll actually accept what you tell him this time. “It worked, of course, and when I understood what you were involved with... I wanted to turn you in. I  _ planned _ to.” There. It’s out. And once you start, the rest follows quickly. “It didn’t matter to me what your reason was, or who else was involved and could face consequences. I just wanted to hurt you as badly as I could. I wanted to betray you even more deeply than you had me.” You can still remember so clearly how blinding, how vindicating your rage had felt at the time. “If I could win the Capitol’s favor and get you and your new favorite killed,  _ I wanted that _ .” You lean forward, keeping your eyes locked on his. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

But as you speak, that miserable look appears on his face again. Not horror, like you’d mistaken it for last time, just deep shame and guilt. You know before he even opens his mouth that he’s about to apologize. “I’m sor-”

“Don’t,” you snap, not bothering to hide your frustration, “Do you even listen to yourself? I wanted to kill you, Kazumi, you can’t possibly believe that’s your responsibility!”

“But you were only that angry because of what I did,” he still insists, “Because I put you in that position.”

“Do you actually think that makes it okay?” You can’t even stand looking at him right now, let alone listening to him. It’s so absurd that you even have to make this argument. It isn’t just that you were angry with him, it’s how quickly you leapt to that extreme as fair punishment. How close you were to acting on it. You feel sick to remember, knowing now what his reasons were. And how he was still trying to help your tributes that whole time. “What if I’d gone through with it?” you ask, voice low, “Would you still try to make excuses for me if I’d actually gotten your precious little brother killed?”

“I...” That, at least, seems to get through to him. For a long moment, his whole body tenses and his face pales. He can’t even look at you. “I don’t... know, but...” But still, he just winds up shaking his head and saying, “I’m not making excuses for anything - you didn’t go through with it. I can’t treat you like you did, when you only thought about it.”

“So in other words, you’re just going to brush this off too, then.” It doesn’t hurt, exactly, to realize this. It’s just... another consequence of your actions. You needed him dazzled and enraptured with you. That was the only way you could trust him. If it’s impossible for him to see past that now, at least you know things can’t go any further.

While you’re still considering this, he says, “Why do you want me to be angry with you so badly? I’d have thought... you’d be relieved.”

“It’s not a  _ relief _ to hear that nothing I say, or do, or feel actually matters,” you say, and even to your own ears you sound tired.

“What? Of course it matters-”

“How, exactly?” You can’t just sit here and look at him like this. Standing up, you walk past him, towards the door. “I told you I was lying to you for years, that I kept up an act the whole time we were together, and it didn’t matter. I told you I wanted you and anything you cared about dead just because I felt hurt, and it didn’t matter. I-” Your throat feels tight all of a sudden, and you have to pause. It’s a surprise. You knew this probably wasn’t going to work, didn’t you? There’s no point in getting emotional about it. “I’m not saying it’s your fault. But if none of that changes anything, then whatever you feel for me, it has no basis in reality.”

“That’s not true,” he says, with a vehemence that stops you. “I- I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I didn’t even think about it like that. But I’m not ignoring it, I just can’t blame you for how you felt when you were desperate and alone.” Then he drops his eyes and admits, “And besides, it’s... it’s not exactly. the surprise you seem to think it is. I mean... part of why I didn’t explain to you about Kazuma right away, was because I thought you might use it to help your own tributes if you had to.”

You blink, and turn back around to stare at him. “You what?” The admission sinks in, and you find you can’t doubt it at all. “And you... you were okay with that?”

He gives you a kind of helpless smile. “I told you before, didn’t I? I always... thought it was wonderful how much you care about your tributes. I admired how far you’d go for them. That’s never changed.” He rubs his arm in a nervous kind of way, but he’s still looking straight at you. “You’re right, that I don’t know as much about you as I’d like. But I don’t believe my feelings are baseless either.” There’s no smile left on his face, only a weak plead. “So please don’t think you didn’t really matter to me.”

What are you supposed to say to that? You’d been devastated when you thought he’d thrown you aside, you’d been more hurt that you even thought possible for him to inflict on you. And he’d... he’d known to expect it from you. This whole time. Even now, he’s just holding himself tight and straight, and acting like you’re the one who needs comforting. Just what do you  _ do  _ with someone like this?

“...This is such a mess,” you finally say, putting your face in one of your hands.

“Shiranui...” He starts to take a step towards you, but then thinks better of it. “Do you want me to leave?”

Good question. You consider the offer, but the only answer that comes is, “No. It’s fine.” And then, because you owe it to him, “Sorry. I’ve been jerking you around a lot, haven’t I?”

“Oh... no, it’s alright.” He laughs a little, but it’s not a very happy sound. “I mean, I’d have thought you’d never want to speak to me again after everything. Even this is more than I could have asked for.” His smile doesn’t look quite natural, either, though he’s trying. “So... it is alright, if you decide you've had enough. I’d understand.” He looks down, looping a loose strand of hair around his finger. “Please don’t force yourself again.”

Maybe it would be better to just separate here. You don’t know if your feelings match his. He feels so strongly for you, and he’s right that you can’t chalk that up entirely to your manipulations. While for you... wanting anything hasn’t really been an option for so long. All your feelings to that end seem stunted, when you try to compare them.

But you’d decided to explain yourself to him. To at least try. You should explain this as well.

“When I was still a trainee,” you say, not quite looking at him, “We were discouraged from having any romantic relationships. It’d be a distraction from training, and if we were selected, it’d complicate how we could be presented to the Capitol citizens.” Looking back on it now, too, you can see much more clearly how long and thoroughly you’d been groomed for life after your victory. The way flirting and seduction had been treated as tools to use, while you were prevented from exploring anything related to them on your own terms. “I’ve never really... been able to think about what I want from one. Or if I even did. That was never part of the question.”

“I see...” Kazumi says, quietly. “It’s alright, I understand. We don’t have to-”

“Let me finish,” you say, trying to be firm without being harsh. Kazumi looks at you curiously, but closes his mouth and waits. You take one more look at him. Remember how often you’ve thought about him while trying to maintain your distance. All the opportunities you’ve had to sever ties that you haven’t been able to take. And maybe it’s not a good idea, but you still tell him, “What I do know is, I miss you. I miss talking to you, and even with so many other things at stake, I keep worrying about you all the time.” He’s holding himself very still, eyes just a little wide. You smirk a little. “You really could use someone keeping an eye on you.”

He coughs at that, turning a little pink. “That’s- that’s not your responsibility.”

“True. But maybe I’d like it to be,” you say, and then less casually, “I don’t know if that’s enough for you, and some things will have to be different this time, but... if you’re alright with all of that, we can try again.”

There’s a long pause before he asks, “Are you sure?” His voice sounds too tense, on the edge of shaking. “You really... don’t have to. It’s alright. If you just feel guilty, or bad for me, it’s fine, you don’t-”

“Kazumi,” you say, letting a slight edge into you voice, and when he stills, you put your hands on his shoulders and pull him against you. “I suppose I don’t exactly have a right to ask you to trust me. But I did think about this a lot.” You loop your arms around his neck in a loose hug. Even that much feels like a relief, enough that you can say without hesitation, “And I wouldn’t be offering this if I didn’t want to.”

Slowly, you feel your words seep into him, in the way he starts to relax against you. “Alright. If that’s how you feel, then I’d be happy to.” Still trying to be careful, to keep control of himself, but when he lifts his arms to hold you, the strength with which he does so betrays him. It’s not a surprise when his voice breaks on the admission, “I... I missed you too,” or when he starts to shake and you realize he’s crying a little.

You move a hand to the back of his head, petting gently. There’s so many things to still work out. The two of you have barely scratched the surface. But... it’s easier to imagine that now, than it was while you were struggling to figure everything out on your own. You tighten your grip on him, let out a sigh into his hair. Whatever you need to work through, you’ll be doing it together. And neither one of you is the type to give up easily.


End file.
